Nemesis

Competition and I, as I previously predicted, were both hired, so we can officially be cool. And anyway, it turns out I have a much bigger enemy in the office - none other than my old nemesis - rampant static electricity!

Yes, the same fiend that hounded me in the dry-aired casinos of Vegas and makes the couch unsafe every winter has now found me at the workplace! I am shocked literally dozens of times an hour. Even a quarter turn in my chair produces enough electricity to zap me the next time I touch a doorknob, door (they're metal), door jamb, computer, tape deck, light switch, lamp, person....even the mouse sometimes gets me! The shocks range from Rice-Krispies-level snaps, crackles, and pops to 1.21-gigawatt arcs of of pure electric power that could send a DeLorean back in time.

I only hope that repeated electrical shock has no adverse effects on the human body...